Wild experimentation, by sharon

Crazy Dinner Sauté

This might be one of the weirder things I have ever concocted, either alone or with another. I kept expecting that little kiss-ass guy from the original Iron Chef to pop up saying “Cuisan!” (or whatever that word is, you know what I’m talking about) They appear to be adding _______! I have no idea what is going on!!”

Whatever you find! Go nuts, raid the cabinets, the fridge, look along the counters. The world is your oyster. Except, don’t use oysters.

Molly and I originally intended to have burger patties with pepperjack cheese on top for dinner. I’m almost sure that’s what we meant to do. And then, well, lots of things happened and the world/kitchen/ingredients conspired against us.

There are two major steps to this dish.
1: have a plan.
2: watch that plan sail merrily out the window.

Thaw a pound of ground beef in a microwave with a broken digital display. This ensures that you have NO clue what is going on, ever. Remove meat from microwave and shrug when you realize it is half cooked.

Chop one onion, or as much onion as you seem to have around and put it in a bowl. Listen attentively when the other person in the kitchen (me) suggests using Worcestershire sauce. Gasp in surprise when a copious amount comes splashing out of the bottle. Carry bowl to sink and pour some of the liquid out. Put the (ideally) raw meat on top of it. Watch as other person in kitchen (me, again) rummages through the spice cabinet and finds cumin and garlic salt. Watch her add those in and listen to her have a mini-rant about “Saigon” cinnamon and how it doesn’t smell all that different from regular stuff.

At this point, start making meat patties. Remark that the mixture seems incredibly wet. Sigh in resignation as you and the other person realize that the only way to make the mixture less wet would be to add breadcrumbs, but that goes against the “lower/low carb experiment in energy” food plan you are both currently conducting. Proceed to sigh again as you wring out the meat and ignore the giggles from the other side of the kitchen.

Place a skillet on the stove and take turns playfully flinging water onto its surface to determine if it’s hot yet. Savor the hiss that meat makes as it smacks a hot surface. Ask other person to “keep an eye on those” while you wash your hands, though she is already standing attentively at the stove with a spatula because she has control issues and it might take a while for you to scrub meat from under your nails.

Wonder what that scraping noise could be right before the other person announces that the flipping has gone very badly and she is now sautéeing the meat and there will be no patties. Not now, not ever. Watch in amusement as other person starts going crazy, looks in the fridge, spies two eggs, and decides to put them in with the meat and call it “hash.” At this point, you are free to look through the fridge yourself and find something else, something like baby spinach! Of course! Throw that in with the meat.

Lastly, because you sliced the cheese in preparation for putting them on top of burger patties, lay those carefully over the meat mess in the pan and let it melt.

Scoop onto a plate and alternately add salt and Tobasco to the weird looking shit. Take a bite, look at the other person, and make vague noises that could be construed as either “nummy” or retching. Begrudgingly admit that it is, indeed, edible and not bad-tasting and now neither of you have any excuse to go out for dinner.

If you are the other person (me), end this process by writing a blog post to recount the entire experience.


One Response to Wild experimentation, by sharon

  1. Episcopo says:

    This entry is hilarious. I started tearing with laughter when I finished this paragraph:
    “Thaw a pound of ground beef in a microwave with a broken digital display. This ensures that you have NO clue what is going on, ever. Remove meat from microwave and shrug when you realize it is half cooked.
    Half-cooked ground beef happens to me EVERY time I defrost it…and I have a digital display!
    One last though, o chefs! – As I started reading from most recent posts down, I started off with the impression that you had some kind of gourmet, increda-chef site…I thought this was really good shit. Then, well, I got to the radishes in bacon grease post…oh man.
    I’ll keep on reading…you’ve got me hooked.
    Sharon, to give you something in return, I offer you my recipe roll on my Key Ingredient site. No commentary, just my way of keeping track of stuff I’ve stolen, made, or want to make. I also share it with my parents and inlaws hoping they’d add their stuff too…but nobody likes this stuff but me;)
    Happy cooking,

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